John 20:31
Pieces of life disappear and there are new joinings. Can you get back what was lost? This posting will be an honest confession, one some of you may not want to read. For me what happened touched the very heart of who I was (see blog posting from 12-23-2014 below). I knew something deep was breaking to pry me loose from my expectations, and that it would take time and endurance for me to see and cooperate with what Father was doing in my son, and in me—and to learn to breathe in His Spirit in a new way.
Here’s what happened: As Jenny entered her first year at Covenant College, Jonathan was in his senior year. He was the Bagpipe editor, the school newspaper, and a well respected friend and leader. However, in the fall, he was expelled for a violation of their conduct code. But, that part of the story is his to tell, not mine. When he called to tell us, our hearts broke with his and we wept together. Jonathan wrote me an email recently recounting that "this was likely the most traumatic event in my life, by far.” We were heartbroken for him and disturbed by the lack of clarity and consistency in how the college handled both the situation and him. But we welcomed him home, wanting to love him and walk with him as he sorted through what to do next.
This event was not expected, but rather a “wrinkle in time” that moved us onto the heart transplant list for all of us with hurting hearts. We needed a “bridge” to the other side, for him and for ourselves.
We still had many good friends in Oklahoma, especially one man named Richard McAfee, who was a good listener and gifted counselor. We all thought Jonathan could be helped by a new environment and new people to love him, listen to him and help. A family there opened their home and gave him a bedroom. He soon got jobs ... he went through several different ones over the next few years, and settled into life in Oklahoma City. After delivering pizza one night he was robbed and mugged. Then there was a incident with a bike accident involving one of his host's children that could have been handled better. This was the second time in a year that Jonathan felt betrayed by those he trusted.
Finally, there was the Timothy McVeigh bombing in Oklahoma City that killed 168 and injured 600. Jonathan was working at one of the newspapers when the Oklahoma City bombing took place. He had the job of interviewing some of the survivors with children. All these things left him ready to move back home. With us at Ohio University then, it seemed like the best place for him to be next, a place where he could finish his BA, live at home with room and board provided, be surrounded by a loving family, and a wonderful dog named Bear. But that’s ahead of this story.
Meanwhile ... my heart was churning and crying out. I didn’t understand what Father was doing. It was easy at times to feel guilty, that perhaps this was our fault as imperfect parents (indeed we were). Yet perhaps this was what I needed to become less of a “son (daughter) of thunder” (Mark 3:14-17) and more a representative of His love. So I started, deeply, to let go of my expectations for my kids (and others too). They are not mine to manage just to love.
I began to lean back into the journey He knew they would take. I’m still leaning and learning this today. And I know that He is still faithful, always good, that He began a good work in each of them and will complete it. His Father’s heart and love never stops ... for any reason. I may not live to see it, but I am living to see them loved as much as I can, with all my heart. It is all I can do. Daily I offer them back to Him who first thought of them, made them, and called them into this life. They are His, always deeply loved by our Heavenly Father through Christ Jesus. And I am so thankful for both of them.
Songs for this season: Change My Heart, Oh God and There is None Like You. Here are the words to the second one. Our grandsons just learned it and we now sing it around the dinner table.
But these things are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his nameWhen your hopes and dreams change colors and directions, even disappear, it’s like a wrinkle in time (Madeline L'Engle) when you are transported to a place you never thought you'd be.
Pieces of life disappear and there are new joinings. Can you get back what was lost? This posting will be an honest confession, one some of you may not want to read. For me what happened touched the very heart of who I was (see blog posting from 12-23-2014 below). I knew something deep was breaking to pry me loose from my expectations, and that it would take time and endurance for me to see and cooperate with what Father was doing in my son, and in me—and to learn to breathe in His Spirit in a new way.
Here’s what happened: As Jenny entered her first year at Covenant College, Jonathan was in his senior year. He was the Bagpipe editor, the school newspaper, and a well respected friend and leader. However, in the fall, he was expelled for a violation of their conduct code. But, that part of the story is his to tell, not mine. When he called to tell us, our hearts broke with his and we wept together. Jonathan wrote me an email recently recounting that "this was likely the most traumatic event in my life, by far.” We were heartbroken for him and disturbed by the lack of clarity and consistency in how the college handled both the situation and him. But we welcomed him home, wanting to love him and walk with him as he sorted through what to do next.
This event was not expected, but rather a “wrinkle in time” that moved us onto the heart transplant list for all of us with hurting hearts. We needed a “bridge” to the other side, for him and for ourselves.
We still had many good friends in Oklahoma, especially one man named Richard McAfee, who was a good listener and gifted counselor. We all thought Jonathan could be helped by a new environment and new people to love him, listen to him and help. A family there opened their home and gave him a bedroom. He soon got jobs ... he went through several different ones over the next few years, and settled into life in Oklahoma City. After delivering pizza one night he was robbed and mugged. Then there was a incident with a bike accident involving one of his host's children that could have been handled better. This was the second time in a year that Jonathan felt betrayed by those he trusted.
Finally, there was the Timothy McVeigh bombing in Oklahoma City that killed 168 and injured 600. Jonathan was working at one of the newspapers when the Oklahoma City bombing took place. He had the job of interviewing some of the survivors with children. All these things left him ready to move back home. With us at Ohio University then, it seemed like the best place for him to be next, a place where he could finish his BA, live at home with room and board provided, be surrounded by a loving family, and a wonderful dog named Bear. But that’s ahead of this story.
Meanwhile ... my heart was churning and crying out. I didn’t understand what Father was doing. It was easy at times to feel guilty, that perhaps this was our fault as imperfect parents (indeed we were). Yet perhaps this was what I needed to become less of a “son (daughter) of thunder” (Mark 3:14-17) and more a representative of His love. So I started, deeply, to let go of my expectations for my kids (and others too). They are not mine to manage just to love.
I began to lean back into the journey He knew they would take. I’m still leaning and learning this today. And I know that He is still faithful, always good, that He began a good work in each of them and will complete it. His Father’s heart and love never stops ... for any reason. I may not live to see it, but I am living to see them loved as much as I can, with all my heart. It is all I can do. Daily I offer them back to Him who first thought of them, made them, and called them into this life. They are His, always deeply loved by our Heavenly Father through Christ Jesus. And I am so thankful for both of them.
Songs for this season: Change My Heart, Oh God and There is None Like You. Here are the words to the second one. Our grandsons just learned it and we now sing it around the dinner table.
There is none like You. No one else can touch my heart like you do.Statement of truth and prayer for this season: Philippians 1:8-10:
I could search for all eternity long, and find there is none like You.
God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus (yes, I seek to long for my children with the affection of Christ Jesus). And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.
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